Maxwell's birth story

This is long overdue, but for Max's one month birthday, I thought I'd post his birth story since a couple people have asked about it. It's probably going to be really long, so sorry about that.

I was on the phone with my mom on Friday night (10/8/10), talking about my non-stress test that I had that morning for the baby. She asked me if I was having any contractions or anything since I was a week and a half overdue (due Sept. 29th). I mentioned that I had what felt like menstrual cramps accompanied by the need to go to the bathroom. She told me that those are contractions. Nobody told me what they would feel like, or at least put it that way. They just said I'd feel my uterus contract and get hard. Well when I got off the phone with her, I started timing them and they were already about 5 minutes apart. I don't know when they started that day, but I was already in labor!

When I told Nate that I was actually having contractions, we both started our last minute packing and I was going to start cooking dinner to get my mind off of things. That didn't last long because my contractions started to hurt. So I cleaned up the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher and made the house look nice so we wouldn't come back to a mess. Nate packed up the car so that we'd be ready when we needed to go. Around 9:00 p.m., my contractions were 3-5 minutes apart, so we made our phone calls to our families that we were going to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital around 9:30 p.m. and had to go through the Emergency Room because the main door was locked by then. The lady in Emergency, when I told her we needed to go to labor and delivery (while holding my overnight bag and a pillow), asked me why we needed to go there. Duh! I'm going to have a baby! So she called for a wheelchair and we headed upstairs. We got settled into the room about 10:00. I was only 2 cm dilated, but I was definitely in labor, said the nurse. Around 11, the pain was getting worse and I knew that I wanted an epidural at some point, so I figured why delay it too much, especially when they had to call someone in to do it. I knew it would take a little while for them to get in and get it started. They called someone and there was a mix-up over who was on call, so they didn't do the epidural till around 12:15 or 12:30. My parents arrived around 12:45, having driven from Ohio and left shortly after I called. I chatted with them for a while and eventually we all quieted down for a nap. I didn't sleep much, because my blood pressure monitor kept checking me every 15 minutes, but I was able to rest comfortably. My BP was low, so they put me on oxygen around that time too. Nate slept in a rocking chair next to my bed with his head on my legs. My mom slept in the chairs in my room and my dad went out to the waiting room where there were couches.

Around 1 or 1:30, I was about 5 cm and around 2:00, I was 6 cm. Around 3:00, I was 7 cm and just before 4:00, I was 9 cm. The nurse told me that we'd start pushing soon. My mom left the room and went to my dad. Right about 4:00 a.m., I started pushing. The nurse had to instruct me on how to push because I apparently wasn't doing right. Around 4:15, she turned off the epidural because I wasn't feeling enough how to push. I don't remember feeling any different when she turned it off, maybe it was wearing off gradually enough. My contractions were now 6-7 minutes apart, and they should have been 1-2 minutes apart. So, the nurse consulted with my doctor and me and they ended up giving me some Pitocin to speed up the contractions. Nate and I were joking about how it seemed like it was taking forever (it was maybe 4:30-4:45) and the nurse said she once had someone push for 3 hours. Yikes! I kind of rolled my eyes and wished she hadn't said that.

Around 5:00 or a little after, the nurse noticed the baby's heart rate would drop significantly after each contraction, so she called in the doctor. They talked about what to do and how close the baby was. My contractions were coming now, every 1-2 minutes for about 5 contractions, then I'd have a 6-7 minute break. Let me tell you, I lived for those breaks. Pushing is a lot of work!! I was getting pretty miserable at this point, not from the pain, but from exhaustion. I felt like quitting. But I knew it was one of those situations where I knew if I quit, things would not get better. I was ready to have them do a c-section, but I also knew that they would need to prep me and everything else and I wouldn't stop pushing in the meantime, so I didn't give up.

I'm not sure what time it was, but the doctor got worried enough about the baby that he was ready to do ac-section. Well it was early on a Saturday morning, maybe 6:00, and the OR team wasn't there. I was a little happy that they were planning the c-section because I had felt like it went on long enough. The baby was so close for so long, but not getting anywhere. But they had to call in the OR team and in the meantime, I'd continue to push. They also decided to try vacuum extraction while they waited. in order to do that, they had to perform an episiotomy, which I didn't know. They could not get suction on the baby's head, because he was too cone-headed at that point. They even tried a different machine in case the first one was broken.

During this process, someone must have come in and said the OR team was ready because I heard my doctor say to give him 5 minutes. The doctor and nurse both got a little more enthusiastic with each push. I heard the nurse say she saw hair. When the doctor's voice got a little higher pitched and he actually encouraged me using my name, I knew something was happening. (Not really sure why it struck me that he used my name, but hey, it helped me.) As miserable as I was, I found strength somewhere. After another contraction or two, I felt something pop. I didn't know what it was at first, but Nate made a whimpering/crying noise then, and I knew that the head was out, even though I had my eyes closed with exhaustion. The nurse told me to stop pushing and that is when I knew for sure. I guess the cord was around his neck, but I didn't know that until later. I looked over at Nate then and he was crying in his Nate sort of way. He was in total awe. I love that picture I have in me=y memory!

After my next contraction, the baby came out. I don't remember if I pushed him out or if he just came out. A few seconds later, I heard a cry. It seemed to take forever for them to say that it was a boy, but it was just a few more seconds. At that announcement, Nate let out another cry. I think the timing was a coincidence though, it was probably when he saw Max for the first time. I don't even remember looking at the baby (still exhausted), but I looked over at Nate again and rubbed his arm to tell him I love him and that I was happy. It was 6:40 a.m.

Max was then taken to the other part of the room where there was a warmer and where he got cleaned up and doing his APGAR test. Neither Nate nor I thought he looked like a newborn. They warned us that he wouldn't look great when he came out, that he would be wrinkly and not a good coloration, but he looked a few days old when we saw him. Nate stayed by my side when they were testing Max, but had his eyes on Max the whole time. I could see the love in his eyes already. :)

I delivered the placenta without even knowing it and the doctor started to put me back together. This was when he told me that I had a 4th degree episiotomy and it would take a half hour to finish stitching me. Ouch! My legs were shaking so bad, that I'm surprised that he could get anything done without me messing him up… I finally got Nate to go over and see Max. He was watching closely at everything they were doing and looked adoringly at Max. It was like he was the proud papa! When Max got his nose and mouth suctioned out, he hated it so much that he swatted with both hands at the nurse doing it. It was awesome, so funny!

When the nurse was done with Max, the doctor was still working on me, so they let Nate hold him. He brought him over to me and we had our first family moment. I really wanted to hold him, but didn't want to when I was being worked on and shaking so hard. So they took Max to the nursery after about an hour or so and I didn't see him again until after I had breakfast and was moved to the maternity side of the ward.

Nate kept telling me how proud he was of me. He obviously saw how much work I did and how hard it was. He saw how exhausted I was and was proud that I didn't give up. For me that was a compliment that was hard to take. How can he be proud of me when I WANTED to give up and would have if I could have? I wasn't proud of myself, but I was glad that everything worked out the way that it did and I didn't have to have a c-section. I never thought I was going to die, as someone told me she felt, but I did feel like I was going to pass out sometimes when pushing.

So now that Max is a month old, how do I feel? I feel pretty decent physically. I'm almost back to normal. My episiotomy still bothers me. My groin muscles hurt daily when I do anything, but not as much as pre-pregnancy usually. My actual incision site is good, I think, almost no pain from that. Occasionally I'll have some pain, but nothing unbearable like the first week and a half. I can do things for myself now and can walk around fairly normally, just not fast. I have another problem related to childbirth that nobody told me I got when I was in the hospital. That's going away, but at times, it's still difficult to sit. I'm looking forward to the day that I physically feel normal again.

I'm happy that Max is here now and I can be the one to nurture him. It's a lot of work, but I love him and I love watching him. It's amazing to just watch him. Even his breathing is amazing to me. He was inside my belly just a month ago and he's here now and has no idea how amazing that is to me. I hope he's learning who I am and who Daddy is and that we love him as much as we do already.

How am I feeling?

Lots of people have asked me lately how I'm feeling with regards to my pregnancy. I'm not really sure how to respond to that. My usual response is that I feel great. I've been so fortunate throughout this whole pregnancy to feel pretty good and not have any major problems. I didn't have any morning sickness in my first trimester, I was just tired for a few weeks. I'm about 35 weeks now so that means I have 5 weeks left. I'm still fairly energetic and not super tired. So far the only thing the 3rd trimester has brought me, besides a bigger belly, is being a little bit short of breath at times. It all started the week or 2 that was really hot and humid here, but it hasn't let up since. That's when I know I need to slow down or do something different. I'm not huge, though you can surely tell I'm pregnant now. I've been hovering around the 10 pound mark for a couple of weeks now, in terms of weight gain. But, my doctor is not concerned because the baby is measuring right on schedule.

I'm still working, somewhat. I've been a substitute for the daycare on campus (and its after school program) for about a year now. The work ebbs and flows. I've worked every day for the last 2 weeks, but there will also be times that I won't work for 2 months at a time. I'm talking to them on a week-to-week basis to see if I'm able to keep working. So far, I'm doing pretty good. It hasn't been too bad working at a day care since a lot of the time is spent on the floor playing with the kids or just watching them while they play outside (which can be done from a seated position). The hardest time is nap time. We help the kids fall asleep by laying on the floor next to their cots. Sometimes we'll rub their backs or their heads, depending on if they need calming down or not. But my problem is laying on the hard floor. And it's hard to get up off the ground when you're laying on an uncomfortable floor to begin with, but add a pregnant belly to that one. Thankfully I can take my time and do it slow since the kids are all asleep anyway.

I do have to say that I've been getting pretty nervous about labor and delivery. I've talked to several people who have had babies lately, and that has helped a lot. I've been gathering as much information as I can, which has helped calm me. I don't know what it is that's making me so nervous, but my guess is just the unknown of how it's all going to play out. I'm not nervous about the pain because I don't have any issue with getting an epidural if I need it. If I end up

needing a c-section, I'm cool with that too. I think I just want to be in control and know what's going to happen and when. I've toured the maternity ward of the hospital twice, so at least I know a little bit more about that.

The baby's room is not done yet. In fact, we're still cleaning it out from being a spare bedroom. I know, I know, we need to get moving. I'm fully aware of that. We've both been so busy with the beginning of the school year, working a lot, and traveling for one reason or another. Now that work is slowing down a bit for me, at least for this week, I plan on spending a lot of time in there. I can't wait to see what the final product will look like. I'm excited to see the crib set up with everything else too. My sister-in-law made window treatments, a crib skirt, and some wall decor, so I'm really excited to see those up in the room. I guess that will be my motivation to clean it out this week.

I should also post some updated pictures. I've been posting them on Facebook, but I keep forgetting to post them here. Here are some belly pictures from week 34. You can see how much bigger I got.

Sorry for not smiling in the second picture. It's hard to smile when you're taking a picture of yourself. I've been using the timer function on the camera and often have to take several pictures before I get one where my head isn't cut off or I'm turned the wrong way. These are some of the better ones, but sometimes I get really frustrated before I'm done. I'll try to post more pictures as I go along, but maybe the next pictures will be of the baby.

I may not have mentioned this, but we do not know the sex of the baby. We are waiting till he/she is born to find out. Most people I have encountered have actually said something like "Good for you!" when I tell them we are waiting. Only a few people, including some family members are surprised and impatient to find out. But like Nate said in the beginning: life doesn't give you many surprises, but this is one that we can keep as a surprise.

Labyrinth

Recently I created a labyrinth at my church for a retreat we did. This was a little difficult because we had no space to create on. So I got online and did a search for labyrinths through church pews. I found one diagram that was hand drawn and semi-hard to follow, but I created this drawing of my labyrinth that I think is a little easier to follow. I also had to flip the original drawing to make it fit my needs a little better. I thought if anyone was interested in this, they wouldn't have to re-do the work. To make it a prayerful experience, I added themed quotes throughout the pews and some occasional pictures and statues (if room allowed). It was a big hit! We had about 70 people at the retreat and probably 50-60 of them did the labyrinth.

Set up time was probably about 2 hours since I had to lay and tape down footprints. It was also the first time I was doing it, so I was unsure what was going to work and what wasn't. I had to re-do a couple of things because the aisle were smaller than I thought, but in the end it worked out.

Key: The brown are the pews, the blue line is the path they took through the labyrinth. I used paper footprints lining the path to show them where to go. The red lines are areas that I blocked off to help them figure out where to go in case the foot prints got messed up. I just used ribbons across the pews for this. In the middle is a gold cross. I made that my focal point in the center of the labyrinth. We had a nice crucifix propped up on the floor and benches for people to sit and reflect on their experience (the small brown objects above and below the cross are the benches).

I have lots of materials that I used for this, including quotes and instructions, so if you're interested in any of this stuff, let me know.

1st belly pics

Shoot, I promised belly pictures and I forgot. I took them 2 weeks ago, so I'll post those. I don't think there's much difference from then, but I'll take pictures this week and if there's a big change, I'll post those too. Okay these are from Week 16. Note that this was in the evening after I ate, so my belly is pretty big from eating.

New News!

I haven't posted in a long time, but it was probably worth the wait for this post, huh? Well, I'm happy to announce that Nate and I are expecting our first baby in October. Things are going well right now. I'm about 12 weeks right now and am due on October 2. I had my first ultrasound on Friday and my 12 week appointment today. Things seem to be going well and I only hope that things continue to do well for the rest of the pregnancy. I haven't started showing yet, being my first, but when I do, I'll start posting belly pics! I can't wait to introduce Baby Kropp to all my family and friends!

Always waiting...

This has been on my mind a lot lately, as I have seen so many of my friends and family get what they ask for. Have you ever wondered when it's going to be your turn? Things in my life seem to have that reoccurring theme as of late. When is it going to by my turn to get what I want or need? I want to know what to do with my life, I want a good job, I want a family, I want to be completely happy with myself and who I am, I want to dream, I want to achieve those dreams, I want to be successful, I want to figure out what success means to me...

I've seen so many people get the things that I want, and yet, I'm still waiting. I've prayed, I've talked to people, I've worked towards some of these things, but I'm still waiting. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I'm still at the starting line and can't get my legs to move.

This makes me sad, but not depressed. I'm okay, but I want more with my life. I want to mean something and accomplish something. When is it going to be my turn?

I'm really not a selfish person. In fact, I think of myself as pretty self-less person. I'm almost always looking out for other people and understanding their decisions and positions. But this one thing in my life... it's okay to be a little selfish, isn't it? Is it wrong to want this for my life when I've been provided for in the important areas of my life (food, shelter, etc)?

When is it going to be my turn?

Text of Nate's speeches from graduation

Invocation:

Let us raise our hearts and minds 

to the Wisdom 

that is beyond all knowledge, 

to the Ultimate Goodness 

that surpasses all our goodwill.

We gather today for ceremony and ritual,

for the most solemn celebration of the academy.

 

Here we will

remember our purpose as an institution of learning, 

recall our ideals, 

and rededicate ourselves to the pursuit

of all that is true, good, and beautiful.

May the Spirit of Wisdom and God

remind us of our grand vision, 

which is nothing less than the transformation of the world 

through the formation and education 

of those who study here. 

Today we rejoice in the successful preparation 

of another class of graduates for this task, 

and we honor them for their accomplishment. 

May the same Spirit of Wisdom and Goodness 

be with us today 

as we repeat the centuries-old rituals of commencement.

Benediction:

We now beseech the Goodness at the heart of existence, 

the Ultimate Reality who is finally nameless, 

for a blessing for these our graduates - 

a benediction , a good word spoken of them, and for them.

May a desire to Learn 

be ever enkindled in their hearts, 

and may they be humbled when they think 

they have plumbed the depths of reality.

 

May a desire to Search 

for truth, goodness, and beauty 

lead them down the exquisitely winding ways of the road less traveled, 

to drink from the streams of righteousness, peace, and justice, 

and never be quenched.

 

May a desire to Serve 

cause them to unblock their ears 

and allow the cries of the poor and the vulnerable 

to pierce them to the heart, 

and impel them to give of themselves for the sake of others -  

to live simply so that others may simply live.

May the poisonous dualism of black and white, 

good and evil, us and them,

be purged from their hearts, 

even as they are comforted 

with the security needed to accept the complexity 

May the energies of the universe that course through their veins now, 

be not quashed by the quotidien routines of life after college.

 

May they be buoyed up by the vast ocean of beneficence, 

which surrounds them today and always, 

but which, like water to the fish, is seldom noticed. 

 

May each one of them 

know in the depths of their hearts 

that he or she is worthy of benediction - 

worthy of these good words spoken to them 

in love